If I had a false sense of myself, I would run away from me too.

If I had a false sense of myself, I would run away from me too. In fact, I did. I can look back many years ago and see that there were moments in time that I did not hardly know shit about myself. And not only did I pay the price at times, but others did too. Some of those moments were adolescent years, so I am pretty certain that others did not fully know themself either -- we were all learning and growing -- but I take fault and am aware of where I caused pain because I did not know myself. I was not whole.

I am still not whole if I am being honest. I seek to learn more and more about myself and the world around me every day. It always worries me when someone says they are "perfect" or "have nothing to work on" when it comes to themself. That is a direct signal to run for the hills now in my world. I cannot openly banter with them, I cannot try to expand my own horizons, or sometimes even ask questions as a natural seeker without them getting all tense, defensive, and frigid. No, thank you. 

Long ago, in a land far away, I hid my curious side. I did not ask questions aloud, not only because I was afraid of the answer I would receive, but because of how I would be received myself by asking. 

I hid that I was a seeker amongst being my quirky self and other layers of myself to the point that most deemed me shy or quiet. 

If anyone truly knows me, they know that I am neither. I can be reserved at times, but there is always a reason as to why I am in that state -- whether my anxiety is peaking, or I am deep in observing, or perhaps, I am disconnected mentally. There is always a reason. 

I think of many I have come into contact with in my more open state because now, I could really care less as long as I am being true to myself at the end of the day. I no longer serve to people please or say what someone wants to hear; it is unfair to me or the other. As much as I hope to have the same respect in return, I see more and more that it is less likely to happen. And as much as I will always hold others accountable for treatment, I also cannot fault them fully. Looking back, I see that it could be that they were still under the shadow of their false sense of self. A state I had been in before. 

I have talked about it before in another blog, but I believe in levels to this thing called life. Some people achieve levels at different times. And there is nothing wrong about that -- just like everyone learns at their own pace. It took me two really toxic relationships for me to come to my senses and realize that I was not applying anything I had learned beforehand to make my relationships better. It could take someone else possibly just one in a shorter amount of time, or maybe someone still has not learned and is in their tenth relationship, repeating the same cycle. Who knows. 

My point is, that it is so vital for you to be at one with yourself. To be comfortable with yourself and to love yourself -- not in a selfish, vanity-like manner -- but almost in a humble manner. I think that knowing you are still learning is humble within itself. There is beauty in seeking knowledge. And there is even more beauty in genuinely applying that knowledge.

When one puts forth their false self, they lack longevity. Any hope for longevity is compromised from the start. Doomed. 

A false self attracts the ones that should have never had access to you in the first place. A false self hurts genuine ones around you as well, especially if things tend to get "too deep" and "controlling it" seems impossible. But, also, not everything should be controlled. 

Control -- as I have known it -- only comes from one thing, which is fear. With this particular topic -- the main questions that come to mind are: is it fear of losing the good that you have come to know (that the good will somehow vanish and leave you in pain?), or is it the fear of your true self being exposed and your false self disappearing (and your true self is not as "attractive" as your false self)?

I think people hide behind both questions I asked more than most will ever know. 

All I know is that ever since I took that brave step to put my true self at the forefront of every battlefield, I also surrendered control of the possibility of losing anything good I had thought I had come to know. My armor takes damage, for sure. I am not invincible and never will pretend to be. But I find solace in putting my true self out there after all of these years, and not regretting a damn thing as I journey through different adventures to find that one good thing(s) that will stick. 

"Stop trying to break other people to make yourself feel whole."

- Perfect Addiction