Where Have I Been, Loca?

Catch the Twilight reference? Kudos to you, if you did. It seemed fitting for this post, ‘cause I’ve been gone and I’ve been loca. And my loca-ness has always been, probably since birth. My Mama Deb would’ve more than likely agreed.

But in all seriousness, 2026 has been a year of getting back to me. The version of me I adore the most. And yes, I have many versions of me; I’m not afraid to admit and possibly sound to some like I’m more than loca, but have a serious disorder. No offense to anyone that does, though. That ish is real, and I’m lucky to not have to deal with such on the daily. But the many versions of me are real, I’ve accepted, and I’ve noticed that certain people tend to evoke certain versions out of me. But I don’t quite care about that. I just want to be the version I like the most. The version I want to die by.

I don’t think it matters to state the version. But I think it matters to state the characteristics for the sake of this post.

So actually getting to where I’ve been… I’ve been immersing myself in my creativity, unlike I’ve been able to in a long time. This may be repetitive, based on whether I post this before my video on socials or vice versa, or if you decide to look at the video and also read this post.

That alone speaks to how I’ve been channeling my creativity again—I’m posting here, which is forever my home base, and what I feel the most confident in (writing), and also showing my face and oversharing in the way that just makes me me via videos again.

I’ve also been taking my health more seriously again. I had lacked with the gym last year—even more so than my bi-weekly hikes—and knew I felt best when I was staying active. I almost despised myself, knowing I had gone from nearly every day a week, spending up to three hours in the gym, to three days a week, to maybe getting to the gym once a week. I had even bought equipment to have at my place, so once I watched shows, I could hop right on them and get it done. My bad, but I got the least motivating machines. At first. I should’ve started with a bike, but I eventually got one, and that was my missing piece. From there, I found the motivation once again. And I’ve been able to keep up with my hikes, which weren’t ever truly a problem to keep up with.

Since getting back to me, with determination, perseverance, and patience, I have found more glimpses of the version I want to be. The version I want to leave in this world, if ever I make a mark.

I will say, I also want to become a version of me I have lacked. I want to become more present with the people I love, who have never left my side. Or maybe they can’t really, since they are my blood. Or maybe even my partner. But technically, both can leave if they decide. However, I’ll stray from that rabbit hole. I think of many different scenarios, if you haven’t figured that out about me. It’s a gift and a curse.

At the end of the day, I know what I want. And I know it’s only up to me to make sure that what I want of myself happens. Or I die trying.