If you can't talk to your partner, then why are you with them?

 See, I am a pretty blunt person. Just look at what I named this blog in my earlier stages of awakening to the fact that I knew everything, yet nothing at all. When I think back to the title, does it sound sort of suicidal? Maybe. Now, was I suicidal when I created it? Not entirely. Will I ever change the title to be more fitting of the stage in life I am currently in? Never -- it still fits perfectly. And trust me, I have sat with that thought a plethora of times. 

Guess we can call this a revamp. I am back, baby! ❤

So with all of that being said, why not kick off the revamp with a smidgen of rawness (not really a smidgen -- a lot) and a kick-ass of the first not-so-totally fragmented thought that has slithered its way into my psyche? 

Still following me, babes? 

I may have bell hooks to thank for this one. I am currently blasting my way through her work The Will to Change, and it has brought some life (hope too) back into my beating heart. 

This work of hers tackles the patriarchy and the effects it has on the male species, but she does not shy on how the female species contributes to the very same patriarchy, making bullshit an endless cycle that very much seems destined to never end. 

Good news first -- the world will one day end, ending hurtful aspects of the patriarchy. 

Bad news last -- the world will one day end, and that may be the only way the hurtful aspects of the patriarchy will end.

Do I really have to ask if you are still following me?

Now that you are all caught up on a tiny aspect of who I am -- if you have truly been paying attention this entire time -- let us really get into what I really wanted to tackle... If you can't talk to your partner, then why are you with them?

I think it is universal that many will say they value communication. They want communication in their life. Even if they do not say it outright, I believe there will always be an inkling in all of us who will yearn for communication. You can see this in social media, the desire to connect and communicate with complete strangers. (Does this count as social media? If so, then I am obviously guilty). You can see this in everyday interactions. Maybe the one person at the grocery store went into their whole life story when you did not even ask. (How many times did you say "Uh huh" just looking for the perfect time to make your hasty exit)? 

My point is, people will say they value communication, but are they truly putting it into practice? 

I do not know about you, but I have had a few years to explore this dating world, and let me just say, that everyone talks about communication, but then actually has a difficult time putting it into practice. (Or maybe they just do not want to practice it with me, and that is okay). But then I have to ask myself, is it really okay?

I am a Virgo, a writer, an INFJ-T (that exists, right? I just know I am not the assertive, but the turmoil). I have "dream" and "hope" tattooed on me, so my imagination runs wild with thoughts and ideas and a thirst for more knowledge at almost all times, unless I can turn it off. 

With that being said, I never know if a lack of communication in the dating world is just with me, or if they take that into their next connection/relationship. And if so, that is a major problem. 

I truly want to bear witness to a defense wall of healthy partner relationships, regardless if I get to experience it or not. I do not have much to go off of when it comes to what I have witnessed, personally, around me and growing up. That fact in itself used to make my own relationships mirror what I was used to seeing and believing was destined to happen in relationships, regardless of how shitty I felt at the end of the day or how shitty I may have made someone feel. For example, I used to think that arguing was the passion of the relationship. If you did not argue or go back and forth like a roller coaster, then the relationship was not passionate. It was just meant to be a part of it, and it would all be worth it in the end.

Well, that was a lie. Only after a couple of tries, I realized that sort of "passion" was what got people on the ID channel. I prefer to watch it, not be on it, thank you. 

I opted and sought for more peaceful connections. No yelling, no taking jabs -- no damaging. Granted, nothing is ever smooth sailing. Even the healthiest of relationships have waves to coast through, but it can be done without such damaging, defective means. Communication is a huge part of this not only to openly talk about issues but to keep resentment from building up and explosions happening down the line that were not even expected or known to be a hazard. 

I always say closed mouths do not get fed. No one is a mind reader. Even I have to remind myself this many times when I want to shut down and just say "fuck it" though I did not voice my concerns, how I felt, or what was genuinely going on through my mind. I still shut down, go silent, and do not touch my phone for a few days; I like to excuse myself by saying the honest truth, that I am reassessing everything at that point in time, but I do have a habit of not saying that outright and waiting until I get out of my muddled thoughts with clear thoughts and communicating that. Not the best, I know. By then, there typically is some damage control that has to be done, especially if I want to continue connections. Very rare, but it is still an issue. 

The more unhealthy way, which I was guilty of in the past, was going silent in retaliation. You know, the silent treatment. 

It is such a cruel thing. Actually, abusive. And I do not recommend it, coming from experience from both sides of the baton. 

The world is an already shitty place, let us be honest. There is beauty, but there is ca-ca too. A lot of it. Your partner should be that one person who makes the world a bit more (or maybe even a lot more) beautiful. You should be able to talk to them, feel safe around them, and find some peace within them. You cannot do that if you do not communicate with them. And I mean past the surface, getting deep. Yeah, it is great to still have your friends and family to seek advice from and talk to as well; there should be a healthy balance between them and your partner and even what you may discuss or seek communication-wise from them. However, your partner is just as vital. 

I see partners as teammates. You go to battle with them, and sometimes, even for them when they cannot find the strength in themselves to do so. You grow together. Learn together. Teach each other things the other may not see. You have their back in the healthiest form (I am not talking about literal Bonnie and Clyde over here. They were toxic and deadly). 

And if you cannot ask your partner to sit down with you, listen to you, actually hear you, and see you, then maybe you need to reassess if you are where you need to be.