Why so angry, love?
While I am currently, at this moment, as I write this, taking a break from social media, that has not stopped me from doing what I adore outside of that realm, such as my bi-weekly hikes, reading, hanging with the family, binging all of the Marvels through the timeline (temporarily) and, as you can guess (if you really know me) going to the movies. I have the A-List for AMC -- why wouldn't I use it, you know?
That being said, I just went to the movies to see It Ends with Us last night. It went perfectly with the bell hooks book I am currently reading and definitely touched home with some past experiences. I will link the trailer for the film below for anyone interested. It is based on a book that I have never heard of, so I went in without much knowledge or preconceptions. I have zero regrets about doing so.
Between the book and the film, I am stuck with the question (a question that I truly circle back to many times in my life) -- why so angry, love? In particular, why are some men so angry?
I say "some" with sort of a heavy heart. I have known mostly angry men. The first angry man I can recall in my adolescence was my own father. That anger had been directed toward my mother. I have other writings that delve deeper into that memory, so I do not care to focus on that at this moment. But I do have my own experiences coming head-to-head with a man's rage, and or violence, and it is something I am always -- now, shall I say -- making sure to walk away from rather than stay when it comes to choosing partners.
The film really touched on that same sort of perspective.
I know that men are not all the same. That would be hypocritical of me because that would mean any man could say the same about a woman -- that we are all the same -- and I would undoubtedly argue that; I am me, and no one else.
It is quite difficult to separate that sometimes, yeah? Drawing a distinction between what you know, and what you have experienced, and I like to believe, that what you think is sometimes even different than what you know. For example, I know that eating ice cream before bed might not help me lose weight. But sometimes, I think I still rather do it, and possibly will do just what I am thinking about doing.
I hope that was not too confusing for you.
I possibly should even toss in there drawing a distinction from what you do.
Did I just make that ten times more complicated than needed? I will blame it on my Myers Briggs.
I think of the film -- which I do not want to give many spoilers away -- and I think of what I have read in bell hooks book thus far, and I find myself at this intersection of genuinely wanting to dive into the anger of a man.
Everyone gets angry, I know. But that anger, as I have witnessed, can be the very thing that destroys a man. It can fill them with regret. It can fill them with shame. It can make them run and escape and never face truths that could set them free.
Let me just place another disclaimer right here -- women have the exact same capability of doing the same. I am only speaking about men at this time, due to the film and the book (mainly) focusing on men. I am not naive to the fact that any and everything can be a two-way street.
When I think of both mediums I am referencing, I cannot help but see that each root of the anger circles back to some type of trauma. It could have been fairly faint -- maybe even barely remembered in the mind (subconscious) -- or it could have been extremely traumatic to the point that it haunts.
It could have been through family, through peers, through society, or through deeply personal experiences and traumas. It does not matter what way that anger settles in the heart of some men -- it is detrimental to many.
And the kicker is: that most might not even realize the anger is there.
The film had a childhood trauma that the main male character had never sought help to try and mend; he ignored it. And not only did he pay the price in the end, but the main female character did as well. Someone who truly loved him.
bell hooks mentions trauma between mother and son in her book. I saw this firsthand in my past when a partner and his mother were volatile toward each other. Me being me, at the time, tried to be a voice of reason; I tried to make him see that his mother might not have been there when he was younger, but there she was, trying at that time. But, if I had only known, I should have saved my breath, and ran for the hills, because he had not been trying to manage or seek help for that anger and resentment he held toward her. Instead, he buried it. He buried it under the love my own mother gave him, taking him in and raising him up with words of encouragement and love, as if he was already her son-in-law, and he also geared that unsettled violence and anger toward me at unexpected moments.
My mother had MS; she was weak and fragile when the past partner came into my life. Granted, I also would have probably ended up on the ID show if he had ever talked to her or treated her like he had done me. (I would have gone to war for my mother, and still will if her name is ever mentioned in any crude way). He did some manipulation with both of us, but he never went to the extent that he had gone with me, and I think that is because I was not as weak and fragile (physically) as my mother had been -- so a little heart was in there. bell hooks mentions how unresolved anger typically is directed toward a partner, more than anything. Was I not lucky? Sarcasm, by the way.
But I also would not have changed a damn thing, because that made me who I am today.
Like the main female in the film, I had to eventually make a choice to either stay in the cycle of chaos or declare an end. I chose to end it. Took seven years, but I finally got it right.
I will continually say that I believe women can help ease pain. Some cause it -- yes. But that is where you have to be able to distinguish between the good and the bad. If you want to truly grow and be free, you have to be willing to put your all into the good, no matter how challenging or difficult it can be. You have to be willing to mend or work on your past -- not just bury it and try to forget, because life is sneaky, man. It is going to creep up on you and test you. I have been tested my own damn self. And I have failed at times, but I have also conquered even when it was hardest. But I know I will still have my failures as time passes me by. I can only aim to do better each and every time.
I like to see that more and more men nowadays are seeking therapy. But I also have experienced firsthand (personally and regarding a potential partner) that therapy does not mean shit unless the person puts the work in. So I take hearing the conquest of therapy with a grain of salt.
People make up that it is their culture that makes them an angry person, or they blame it on their past, and so on. Truly, it is an excuse at the end of the day. If you are not helping yourself, seriously, why should anyone else try to save you?
I am all for love. I am all for peace. But a genuine, loving soul should not have to sacrifice themself to anger that knows no bounds. To anger that does not seek a state that is anywhere but there.
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