Imprints

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I think this is truly going to be my hardest blog post yet…

I am never completely unaware of my own actions. The best way to paint this picture is having a devil and angel on your shoulders, one telling you what is the right thing to do/act and the other telling you what is the wrong thing to do/act. Every response to what happens in your life can be either one that is unhealthy or healthy.

Rewind to nearly five years ago, I unknowingly entered into an abusive relationship. I do not heavily claim once being abused because I do not want to be a victim of any sort. For the longest, I did not even realize what was being done to me was abuse. When you invite someone into your home and life for the first time, and I mean way deeper than the surface, it is easy to make up excuses for the person. It does not matter what happens--sending a gut-wrenching sensation through your whole core, screaming to you that something is not right--the "I love yous," the countless apologies for the most miniscule and catastrophic things, and the "talk downs" (manipulation) that flips the script when all the other options are not working, making you believe you were in the wrong for bringing up a conflict, making you feel crazy (maybe even calling you crazy or silly) so you just shut up and try to look past all of it, giving the benefit of the doubt, until the entire cycle happens again…

What a cliché to blame putting myself through that on daddy issues, but in my case, it, indeed, circled back to that; I had witnessed nothing better. Of course, it was my own fault as well. Many times I left, many times I allowed myself to be reeled back in. I was aware of my actions then, making up my own excuses.

It took me another relationship, two years later, to break free of that abuse. But honestly, I had chosen no better. I was told I was playing with fire. Now, this time, not only was I aware, but I had someone else completely aware that I was messing up. And what did I do? I still pursued.

I must thank God, because he stepped in. He got me out of there--not in the way I wanted, I must admit--before heavy stuff went down that would have sent me on a repeating journey that I promised myself I would never be taken down again for no one.

I was hardheaded. Back then, I was the girl who set my sights on something/someone and went after it, even if I knew it was not the best thing for me… Still aware…

At the closing of that relationship, I let it all go. I cut all guys off to find out who I was after everything. I yearned to find my own voice, to be happy with who I was and find acceptance within myself, after allowing myself to be heavily influenced and crushed as if I was not a human being or worth more.

However, I did not allow myself enough time. I thought I was okay. I thought I was getting somewhere, and I was, but I should have given more time.

About three months later, out of the blue, I entered into another relationship. The person, himself, was way better. But I was not.

I did not love myself and accept myself enough to give the tender care the relationship needed to survive. The abuse I went through would surface and I would project that onto our relationship. There were days I would completely ignore him because I felt so empty inside, and he had done nothing wrong. This was my first healthy relationship since the abuse, and I did not know how to handle it. In my mind, something was wrong if there were barely any arguments and so on.

They only thing wrong was me.

I noticed my fault four months in the relationship. I became aware. I truly messed up my sleep the night I ended things, but I knew it was the right thing to do; I did not want to drag him along because I could not figure myself out and had issues I had not fully dealt with within me. And there was no way he could help me. I could only help myself.

I gave myself a whole lot more time. This time around, I actually found my voice. I found out who I was at that time and where I wanted to be in life. I found me, and I also knew what it felt like to have a partner that was not toxic.

Loving me completely was still a work in progress.

The school semester rolled around again. I am not going to claim that I took some of the wrong steps, experimenting with the me I had come to find in different situations, with different people, because I am glad I took the steps I took. I found out exactly what I liked and what I did not like. I found out what I cared for and what I did not. However, I did allow some situations to make me carefree to borderline reckless extents.

In this space that I was in, I had found myself, but felt the self I had found was not being accepted; I felt the me I was coming to love was an outcast; I had no place as me. So I still was not truly confident in the me I discovered.

This is where I knowingly went wrong. I numbed my emotions and self.

I had that drive back of doing what I want, when I wanted to--going after what I want, regardless of consequences, but I was aware. I knew me this time (I was still my main focus); I had complete control (not really). And I was just saying how I felt, no care. If feelings were hurt, it was not my problem. No one cared for my feelings, so why care for theirs if I did not see them as a legit friend or genuinely nice person? And if they were knowingly using me, alright, I could match that right back.

To say the least: I was fed up.

I had never seen life as a game, but the more I looked around, it was as if everyone else was simply taking it on as a game, so I joined, still trying to keep my real face. But that was impossible, yeah?

You cannot play a game and keep your true self.

I thought I was going to keep that up till whenever I felt like giving it up, but God put a stop to that once more.

He and I both knew who I truly was, and so he sent someone specially sculpted with fine precision to get back in touch with the real, genuine side of me. No playing games, no control over my emotions and me… Just something grounded and stable.

I put up a fight, at first, attempting to keep the carefree ways I had come to known while also dabbing my feet in this new sensation that was gradually pulling me away, but I was aware as well as many others that I would be a damn fool to hold onto an empty life that was not what I was really after.

This was the first time, after the abuse and after finding and loving myself that it all made sense. I had no doubt, and very miniscule fear. I was still learning, there were still problems, but I was able to bring healthier aspects to the table of the relationship and just be me. It was a wonderful experience.

After that story came to a close, I admit, I tried going back to carefree. Lasted nothing but a second, because not only did I know what I wanted now, but I knew what I needed. That lifestyle meant nothing to me. It never did. And having a taste of what I needed, there was no way of going back to anything less or detrimental to the growth I had obtained.

I have been back on that road of discovering new things about myself and others. I have learned there is nothing wrong in repeating a good thing, as long as the bad has no repetitive place. I have also come to see, God is consistent; He never lets you down--even if, like me, multiple times before, I did not pay Him much mind, thinking I would pay more attention when I was older, and He still came through when I did not deserve it. Since I am naturally a forgetful person, unless I had not written a lot of stuff down or re-read some of my tweets, Facebook posts, text messages, etc. I am not certain I would have much recollection of all the trials and tribulations I had went through but was faithfully brought out of.

I share just a glimpse of my story in hopes that no matter what you are going through, there is an expiration date. Anything you think you will never overcome, even in the darkest situations, you can overcome. I encourage healthy ways. I encourage you to be genuinely you. Both things, I had struggled with.

I still have muchhhhhhh more growth to get to where God wants me to be and I cannot express how excited I am to see where he will lead me. He has done amazing things already, and I am only 21! But I choose to put nothing but my best foot forward, be genuinely me, because it is so much easier to be truly happy when you can be you and not hide from anyone, and be a healthy human being in this world, to the best of my ability.

I apologize to any I have hurt along my self-discovering journey and I have forgiven any hurt, harm done to me. I think I have mentioned it before in another post, but we are all on a journey--our own journeys. Whether we realize it or not, imprints are left. Good, bad or both. Be aware and choose carefully.