Transitions

Saturday, June 11, 2016

It has been a minute since I last wrote or posted anything other than lyrics, prose, etc. People call my words different things; I simply label them lyrics. I have started many "thoughts" that I have not fully developed, but have the gist of them scattered in my phone, a variety of notebooks and random papers--yet some people still believe I have my shit together. I will never understand. I have nothing together, but best believe I will always find a way to take care of business that needs to be taken care of.

I have had a recurring "thought" that interconnects with "getting myself together"; it has been at the forefront of my life for months now, daily: Life Transitions, the good and the bad.

I had an overflow of transitions coming at me from all directions; they became overwhelming. I had the good: mindlessly submitting a script I wrote over a year ago--in no way expecting to be one of the ten finalists for Western's first Screenwriting Contest, yet alone winning. I was up against other amazing film students and ones that had way more experience than me. I still find it crazy. I submitted Mirror Image for a scholarship, in no way expecting to be chosen--I still consider myself a novice, always seeing room for improvement--but I was chosen, which meant the world to me. I also applied to be a writer for Western's upcoming blog site and anticipating to be a beat writer for them, writing on relationships and advice, which is ideal to me; I imagined doing so my Freshman year, only wishing an opportunity of the sort existed then. I had other good, like my living situation and the job opportunities that fell in my lap.

Do not get me wrong, I had my bad transitions as well. I say bad lightheartedly. Some bad are blessings in disguise. I did not get one job that I wanted to gain experience in, had personal things to deal with and classes that truly kicked my butt. One in particular.

With all those good and bad transitions happening at once, I had mixed emotions on the daily; I was a legit rollercoaster. One day I was a person I was happy with seeing in the mirror and the next I was not able to recognize who I was or who I was becoming. All in all, I was shedding the state I was in in order to get to the new state I was meant to.

Regardless, it was scary; I feared the good and the bad.

Going back in my blog recently, I took note of how my "older self" would not have feared the transitions so much; my older self had no problem letting go, and sometimes I did so too easily. I realized how fear also motivated me to leave good things. I did so because I did not know what to do with the good things handed to me. So I departed. I could not handle the transitions.

I found myself in the same place with my writing and jobs that came and where actually good. I was sitting in my car, about to go to this lunch for the screenwriting finalists, freaking out. I do battle with anxiety at times, but I had no reason to be on the verge of starting my car back up and leaving. I am grateful for my Mom; she knocked some sense back into me, put me in my place. I did not leave.

I understood what it was. I was terrified of my own potential. It was said best in Coach Carter: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people [will not] feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. [It is] not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. And as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." I never paid great attention to the quote until I re-watched the film. I got it then.

I had once been "gung-ho" on using my "unique position" to my advantage. I see it as "normal," but I have some people stunned I am an African-American female studying film to be a screenwriter and creative writing to be a writer. It just "does not happen everyday" in a place like Kentucky, or maybe elsewhere. I do not know. But here I was given a chance to use it to my advantage by simply putting my script on the table, and I was scared what such a blessing could bring. I was scared of the doors being opened and the possibilities that could come.

No doubt, I was scared of bad, of course. For both success and failure, one can end up in that limbo of "what now?" That is where readjusting the mindset comes into play.

Thinking back to January, I never imagined I would be where I am. I set goals to not go back home and truly get the feel of being on my own with paying for bills other than merely my car insurance, phone, food and other pleasures. I also wanted greater experience on my resume, so I reached out to jobs that would "shake my usual up." A year ago, I had also stated I wanted to "throw myself into" the path I want to head with my writings, film, etc. I accomplished all and more by the Grace of God.

While I will never claim myself as the writer of my story, I will claim co-writer. Sheila West said, "Goals are a joint effort process: getting in touch with our heart and setting a course; then depending on and being willing for God to direct us one step at a time."

There is a choice to rush or not to rush. Time does go fast; many (I am not excluded, 'cause I am guilty of it) want what we want when we want it. Sometimes, we miss out on the now rushing. Sometimes, we run into consequences we did not expect and actually deserve; we chose haste over wisdom, and the result equaled self-conflicted drama. I have been guilty; I should have had patience and took tender care of what was presented before me.

I completely understand the "go get it" mentality. I have it burning in my core when I really want whatever it is I am wanting. But I am also realizing sometimes we are meant to bloom, grow, discover right where we are a little while longer.

There is no such thing as ready, I believe. I have had many tell me "You need to do this, you need to do that" and I know most do/did so coming from an endearing place (they are my team, my positive motivators). However, I am hardheaded. I brush it off, most the time, whatever I am told until God lights a fire up under my ass and leads me right into my transition.

I have witnessed others transition as well. I saw the fear, the excitement, depression, the back and forth, etc. I watched them become calm and start to accept their unknown journey that awaits them or is unfolding before their very eyes. And they simply said "Okay" and began kicking ass.

The worse one can do is not go forward. One may fall backward, and there should be no shame in that. Sometimes two steps have to be taken back to realize you got to go ten forward. And you may have no idea where you are going, but go forward. No matter what, I have chosen to go forward. Another quote, because I simply adore them, "Distance yourself for awhile. Sometimes you need to take several steps back in order to gain clarity on a situation. The best way to do this is to simply take a break and explore something else for awhile. Why? So you can return to where you started and see things with a new set of eyes. And the people there may see you differently too. Returning where you started is entirely different than never leaving."

I am thankful for ALL who have helped me, pushed me, supported me into my transitions and in the turbulence of my transitions, the ones who are still around, weaving in and out, and the ones writing their beautiful stories without me. Everyone has their own path. I would not trade anything for the hurt, confusion, angst, love, madness, joy, pain, laughs, tears and experiences.

Now, do not get me wrong, I aim for permanent and stability while basked in happiness that cannot be controlled; it is a freeing sensation that is worth having. But without the transitions, no one would get to the self they are meant to be.