I Don't Know Much Anymore These Days

How to start this. I really don't have a clue. I know you hate it when I circle around the problem--if there truly is a problem. I know I make some stuff up in my head, but can you blame me? I've been dragged through the mud with guys. I've been spat on, kicked and tossed around as if I was not made of flesh and bone. Please agree that you cannot blame me.

Anyway, that's not what I'm trying to say, though it is related to you and I.

I know you are a good guy. At least, I hope. That's what makes this more confusing. You never really know a person, you know? Anyone can put up a front. I tell you all the time that I'm real, standing before you, but I know anyone else can say those exact same words and be as venomous as a snake. I guess that's where judging by character comes in. That's something you always said to me, and I believe that. Again, judging your character, I'm not sure if it's true to you. You could have just said that and carried yourself in the best way possible only to trick me.

Is that my insecurity sneaking up on me?

I don't know much anymore these days.

I've circled around my words once again. I swear it all connects, even if it's scattered.

You're an amazing guy. I want to say the realest I've ever stumbled upon. For your age, you already know where you're headed, you're working your ass off and not blowing shit off to be certain you succeed, and the way you think--though I may disagree--is fascinating to the point that it gets me contemplating, and I think I know just about everything. You think you know everything and you're always right too. Recipe for trouble and bumping heads, but we've always came back down to center ground, not really surrendering, but letting it go 'cause compared to other things it's nothing to hold over each others heads.


There's more I could say. I would love to get it out, but not all of the words are coming easy right now.

I'll say: I know I have my defenses, but you have yours too. We both have trust issues.

I remain an open book despite the shit I've been through, and I don't know if your walls are built so high because of what they did to you or we're truly not on the same page anymore.

That's the shitty part of not being able to read minds.

And I may just be tripping because of my past. But don't tell me that, show me.

Actions speak louder than words.

I don't want to cling to you. I don't want to smother you. But communication can mean so much. Effort can mean the world. I've learned that if a guy really wants to talk with you, he will pick up the phone, drop a text or a phone call. If he really wants to see you, he will make certain he sees you.

So am I wrong or am I right?

I could be tripping, yeah?

But once you say it's me and you, you gotta make me feel it. After I've cut off all my dudes for you, I beg that you don't make me look stupid. What would be my reasoning for cutting all them off only to end up with a "ghost." I might as well be by myself again and have my door open instead of turning down guys for you.

'Cause when I'm loyal, I'm loyal. But give me reasons to be.

I don't want to be the only one making an effort. I'm over that now days. I will lose all of my energy and I'm not down for that again. I rather us retreat to friends than to stay on the shaky ground we stand upon. This ground is just not going to cut it for me.

And I'm sorry if you were real and wanting this for real, and I'm even sorry if this was exactly what you wanted and you're perfectly comfortable with the way we are, 'cause I was willing to give you the world.

I'm not comfortable with the way things are. I'm not settling for this, really, bullshit relationship.

I deserve more. I deserve better. And someone will give that to me without me having to constantly speak up for myself for the same thing over and over again.

This is my final stand with you.