In The Meantime...
I am discovering ME again, and figuring out more to ME.
I'm finding out what I will deal with, and what I refuse to in any sort of relationship - friends, love interest, or family - and actually sticking to my standards. That may sound harsh, but I read somewhere that it's important for you to keep the standards you set, because people who really want to be in your life will make an effort to rise up to them. And I honestly couldn't agree anymore.
I'm not a high standard female. I'm usually put in that category due to my appearance, but that would be my book being judged by my cover. But the standards I have set, I have always lowered, making up excuses for the other being. In the end, it has only screwed me over. It has ruined me, and made me question myself. I have lost my own self worth and dignity.
I am gradually finding my dignity and self worth once more. I am making myself happy instead of constantly trying to please others that either abuse me for my caring heart or could really not give a shit about me.
I am taking a step back and observing once again. I am noticing how beautiful it is to live in this world and be who I am - who God created me to be.
I'm building myself up to make something out of my life, and along the way, or once I get to the level I'm meant to be on, I will wait for the ones that are in my life for the long haul to fall in place and surround me without the word abandonment even being muttered.
I am living for me. I have dyed my hair raven like I had been contemplating about for the longest, but finally got the guts to do. I have bought hazel contacts like I have wanted to for the longest, and I'll gladly tell anyone who asks if they're my real eye color that they are not. I'm getting my other tattoos that I've wanted to get done. I have spoiled myself with clothes, no matter the price, that I felt I just had to have hanging up in my closet. I've bought Independent films and low-budget ones that I had wanted to see for the longest, and they have turned out pretty good so far (but I haven't finished the pile yet).
I'm writing chapter after chapter of my stories that I just know are bound for success some day not too far away. I'm laughing at the silly parts of life, like tripping on my own two feet in a crowd of people. I'm smiling at the young child helping an elder put their groceries on the belt at work. I'm blasting my unique music choices in my bedroom, like Korean Pop that I have a thing for. I'm working back at my old job to have income coming in, and keep me busy time to time. I'm keeping to my nightly workout routine to get me looking right. And I'm actually eating healthier too, which seemed impossible to me, but now I see it is possible.
Now don't get me wrong...
I'm crying sometimes, I'm frustrated at the sight of my Mom suffering in her bed she's pretty much confined to. I have those days. Those moments. I am grasping the possibility she may never walk again and leave that bed. I'm understanding that she may not have much longer to live. Nowadays, that's my only huge low. But I'm dealing with it the best I can. I have begun to reshape my attitude having more patience, more faith, more time to spend talking with her, and just living everyday like it may be her last.
All in all, I'm just loving me and loving life and family that has never abandoned me. And I'm learning every day something new, whether it be about myself or my surroundings. And I'm regretting absolutely nothing.
I'm finding out what I will deal with, and what I refuse to in any sort of relationship - friends, love interest, or family - and actually sticking to my standards. That may sound harsh, but I read somewhere that it's important for you to keep the standards you set, because people who really want to be in your life will make an effort to rise up to them. And I honestly couldn't agree anymore.
I'm not a high standard female. I'm usually put in that category due to my appearance, but that would be my book being judged by my cover. But the standards I have set, I have always lowered, making up excuses for the other being. In the end, it has only screwed me over. It has ruined me, and made me question myself. I have lost my own self worth and dignity.
I am gradually finding my dignity and self worth once more. I am making myself happy instead of constantly trying to please others that either abuse me for my caring heart or could really not give a shit about me.
I am taking a step back and observing once again. I am noticing how beautiful it is to live in this world and be who I am - who God created me to be.
I'm building myself up to make something out of my life, and along the way, or once I get to the level I'm meant to be on, I will wait for the ones that are in my life for the long haul to fall in place and surround me without the word abandonment even being muttered.
I am living for me. I have dyed my hair raven like I had been contemplating about for the longest, but finally got the guts to do. I have bought hazel contacts like I have wanted to for the longest, and I'll gladly tell anyone who asks if they're my real eye color that they are not. I'm getting my other tattoos that I've wanted to get done. I have spoiled myself with clothes, no matter the price, that I felt I just had to have hanging up in my closet. I've bought Independent films and low-budget ones that I had wanted to see for the longest, and they have turned out pretty good so far (but I haven't finished the pile yet).
I'm writing chapter after chapter of my stories that I just know are bound for success some day not too far away. I'm laughing at the silly parts of life, like tripping on my own two feet in a crowd of people. I'm smiling at the young child helping an elder put their groceries on the belt at work. I'm blasting my unique music choices in my bedroom, like Korean Pop that I have a thing for. I'm working back at my old job to have income coming in, and keep me busy time to time. I'm keeping to my nightly workout routine to get me looking right. And I'm actually eating healthier too, which seemed impossible to me, but now I see it is possible.
Now don't get me wrong...
I'm crying sometimes, I'm frustrated at the sight of my Mom suffering in her bed she's pretty much confined to. I have those days. Those moments. I am grasping the possibility she may never walk again and leave that bed. I'm understanding that she may not have much longer to live. Nowadays, that's my only huge low. But I'm dealing with it the best I can. I have begun to reshape my attitude having more patience, more faith, more time to spend talking with her, and just living everyday like it may be her last.
All in all, I'm just loving me and loving life and family that has never abandoned me. And I'm learning every day something new, whether it be about myself or my surroundings. And I'm regretting absolutely nothing.
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