I Don't Want Space
I'm about to make myself very vulnerable right now, so just bear with me...
So I got my crush. The one I referred to in Oh, Happy Day & Night . It took me nearly the entire semester to finally be able to say he was mine. Talk about a lot of work.. Okay, just kidding. I don't even know how it happened. The whole relationship kinda came out of nowhere, and at a, somewhat, horrible time. If I were to explain why I considered it a "horrible time" that would jump into a whole other story that would make me seem like not the nicest person, but I can honestly say I regret nothing and went with my heart at the time being.
Anyways, I did get the crush. But now, I must admit I lost him. We mutually agreed on "space." It's difficult to take that word at face value, or it was for a second, but not so much now. Cause some guys will say "space," using it as an ambiguous word to "soften the blow" of saying "we need to break up," or "we're over," or whatever else. But that doesn't matter to me anymore.
I don't like the word "space." I can't do "space," not when that person was a factor in your life for a certain amount of time. It wasn't that long when I really think about it, but the timing is irrelevant; it was the adventures and moments we shared within that timing that made everything worth the while.
I'm more so upset with myself. I had no reason being with this guy. At all. Even though I had a crush on him. At first, I wanted to keep him just that - a crush. I knew that if we were to pursue a relationship, that that image I had of him could very well be ruined. And it did become mildly distorted. Heartless Sleeve was based on that, going through the emotions of wanting to give us a try and then leaving us alone. So I knew what was right from wrong, but I ignored all the signs that I already knew - if that makes sense.
I told my best friends there was no way I could be with him. I even told him that there was no way I could be with him before we actually did become an item. I have a tendency to make myself vulnerable and keep it real, I guess. And what do I do? Still get with him...
I wrote No More in the midst of one of our arguments or disagreements. So, throughout, the red lights were flashing, I wasn't oblivious, but just going with the motions, the flow, keeping the relationship up as much as I could, as long as I could, but I was apparently straining to. I can't speak on his part, but I'm sure me being me, with some of my ways strained his end of the rope and some of the ways and routes he took that I wasn't in favor of was what strained my end.
We, both, literally, had no reason to hold on. But we both gave it a go. Again, me knowing good well I shouldn't have way beforehand. But going back to when I mentioned "I can't do space," that remains true and honest. We didn't work well as significant others, but the friendship that formed is why I can't stand the space. I miss my friend. Those adventures, those moments, I was sharing with a friend. And there were more to come that we had discussed. I have every intention on making those happen. But as a friend.
And I can accept that. That was how it should have stayed from the get go. But once more, I regret nothing. I'm happy I gave it a try, because I learned a lesson from this journey.
I write this to not only get the burdening weight of emotions off of my conscience, but hopefully, maybe someone reading this can take it and learn something themselves or my experiences and words be of some help.
So I got my crush. The one I referred to in Oh, Happy Day & Night . It took me nearly the entire semester to finally be able to say he was mine. Talk about a lot of work.. Okay, just kidding. I don't even know how it happened. The whole relationship kinda came out of nowhere, and at a, somewhat, horrible time. If I were to explain why I considered it a "horrible time" that would jump into a whole other story that would make me seem like not the nicest person, but I can honestly say I regret nothing and went with my heart at the time being.
Anyways, I did get the crush. But now, I must admit I lost him. We mutually agreed on "space." It's difficult to take that word at face value, or it was for a second, but not so much now. Cause some guys will say "space," using it as an ambiguous word to "soften the blow" of saying "we need to break up," or "we're over," or whatever else. But that doesn't matter to me anymore.
I don't like the word "space." I can't do "space," not when that person was a factor in your life for a certain amount of time. It wasn't that long when I really think about it, but the timing is irrelevant; it was the adventures and moments we shared within that timing that made everything worth the while.
I'm more so upset with myself. I had no reason being with this guy. At all. Even though I had a crush on him. At first, I wanted to keep him just that - a crush. I knew that if we were to pursue a relationship, that that image I had of him could very well be ruined. And it did become mildly distorted. Heartless Sleeve was based on that, going through the emotions of wanting to give us a try and then leaving us alone. So I knew what was right from wrong, but I ignored all the signs that I already knew - if that makes sense.
I told my best friends there was no way I could be with him. I even told him that there was no way I could be with him before we actually did become an item. I have a tendency to make myself vulnerable and keep it real, I guess. And what do I do? Still get with him...
I wrote No More in the midst of one of our arguments or disagreements. So, throughout, the red lights were flashing, I wasn't oblivious, but just going with the motions, the flow, keeping the relationship up as much as I could, as long as I could, but I was apparently straining to. I can't speak on his part, but I'm sure me being me, with some of my ways strained his end of the rope and some of the ways and routes he took that I wasn't in favor of was what strained my end.
We, both, literally, had no reason to hold on. But we both gave it a go. Again, me knowing good well I shouldn't have way beforehand. But going back to when I mentioned "I can't do space," that remains true and honest. We didn't work well as significant others, but the friendship that formed is why I can't stand the space. I miss my friend. Those adventures, those moments, I was sharing with a friend. And there were more to come that we had discussed. I have every intention on making those happen. But as a friend.
And I can accept that. That was how it should have stayed from the get go. But once more, I regret nothing. I'm happy I gave it a try, because I learned a lesson from this journey.
I write this to not only get the burdening weight of emotions off of my conscience, but hopefully, maybe someone reading this can take it and learn something themselves or my experiences and words be of some help.
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