I Remember
So this is a writing exercise introduced by Dr. McCaffrey, my creative writing teacher this semester. I am going to start experimenting a lot with my writings on this blog from here out. Some will be good, some poor, but whatever. Here goes nothing...
I REMEMBER
...Barney sitting in the back of my toy chest. He spoke if you squeezed his hand. Dad caught me with Barney once. I got a long, awkward talk at the age of six.
...going to Mayfield to visit my grandmother on Dad's side of the family. I never really knew her. She used to scare me because she was brittle and I wasn't sure I was related to her. Her skin was nearly white and I swear her eyes were blue. No one else in my family really looked like her. When she died, at the funeral, I saw Dad cry for the first time. He wouldn't stop and he was a bit upset when I was frightened to kiss the top of her forehead as she laid in that casket.
....always being over Granny's house as a little girl. There wasn't a day we wouldn't see her, which she lived in the same neighborhood. The bus would pick my sister and I up in front of her house, along with other kids. Her house scared me, though. Her bed was high as hell; I would have to literally run and jump up to get on it, but it was comfy. Everything in her home was still so unusual to me. I don't know why.
...my sister and I watching Unsolved Mysteries and always being freaked out because of the ghost stories. We never quit watching it, though.
...watching Passions with my sister and Granny. It was something I cherished. I imagined I was Sheridan Crane. Luis and Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald were my crushes, but Timothy was ultimately my
favorite character. It was upsetting when he died in real life, as well as on the show. Passions remains my favorite Soap Opera and the only one I ever really watched and followed.
...being called in from playing outside with Tiffany. Mom, Dad and Shae were in the living room. Everyone was sitting in chairs except Dad. He was almost on his knees, squatting there on the wine carpet that felt weird. I was told that Granny died while in Louisiana with Auntie and Uncle Joe. It was Mom's mother, but Dad was nearly sobbing on that ground. He pulled me into him, but I didn't shed a tear. I was asked if I was okay, and I simply walked back outside to play with Tiffany some more. She asked me what was wrong when I jumped on the trunk of Mom's white car. I told her, "My Granny died," and left it at that.
...Granny's leg turning black. She had been given ointment to put on it, and my sister and I would have to do it. It was gross. I had to get gloves nearly every time, but one time, there was none, so I had to use my hand. Her skin had been rough, and it was like dead skin. Later, that leg got amputated. I didn't know what to think about Granny having a stump leg, but she was still my Granny. When I was able to, I got on that bus that came and got her because of her hindrance and went to appointments with her. I loved her to death.
...Granny being flown back to Paducah in a plane. I kept my eye out for the planes in the sky, always wondering if her body was packed away in a casket in one of them. Now, not only was she missing one leg, but she had none. If the doctors in Shreveport had left her last leg alone, she wouldn't have had a heart attack and died twice before finally not being able to be brought back to life. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I was mad at a God that I barely knew about.
...going to Ninth Street Church. It was full of black people always dressed fancy and smelling strong. I got tight hugs from strangers. When service began, I kicked my dainty dress-shoes off, swung my legs onto the pews and laid down to sleep in Mother's lap. It didn't make her too happy, but she didn't complain much.
...playing a variety of games with my sister. It began with Nintendo and the Super Mario games and some game that involved shooting ducks. Next, came Playstation, which is when it became an addiction to my sister and I. We played a variety of games: Clocktower, Driver, Need For Speed, multiple WWE/WWF games (they were the best), Mary-Kate & Ashley games, Fighting Force, Rugrats games and so on. Last came Playstation 2. We were kind of burned out by then, but Midnight Club and WWE/WWF games became main focus. Mom and Dad used to have the hardest time getting us to bed.
...JoJo was my first CD bought. I lent it to a girl named Vashti and never got it back. Hence, I never gave my CDs to anyone again.
...being on the road towards Mayfield to go to Lakewood Gymnastics. I started in third grade, after being told about it through Courtney, and loved it. It was not such a big deal. I had always flipped around when I was a kid, so I was used to it. I was always told I had a mean toe touch, cause I literally touched my toes, and my rebound after a roundoff already had trainers prepared to get me ready for a roundoff back tuck. I only got so far as to do a roundoff backflip by myself, but quit not long after the achievement. I became frustrated with myself at times of failure and gave up. Sixth grade approached and I moved to cheerleading at Paducah Middle School. It was not the same as competitive cheerleading. I hated it, but continued through eight grade. I was mad at myself for leaving Lakewood.
...being on the floor for the first time at a cheerleading competition. I was dead center because I was one of the oldest and tallest. Talk about an adrenaline rush. It was over before I knew it.
...having the biggest crush on Blake in elementary school. He never noticed me like I wished, not until high school. Then, it was bullshit on his half. He had a girlfriend; Facebook told on him, like I wouldn't notice. I felt bad for his girlfriend, but then noticed he was flirty with many girls and it wasn't my problem. I stopped texting him.
...being downtown with William. At the time, I called him Rico. He had many names. Red flag number fifty. But that was still the best date till this day: eating at, I believe, Mother Teresea's, walking downtown at night and just talking and watching the river. First time being kissed in the rain. I thought I was dreaming because it was too perfect. He was too perfect. It really was too perfect to be true. He was a fraud at the very beginning. My damned mistake for having him hooked to my life for two years and counting. He won't stop calling my damn phone. I don't answer.
...Mom falling in CVS near the drug counter. She lost her balance and the cane didn't stop her from crashing to the carpet in front of everyone. She was extremely embarrassed. It was the first time I had seen symptoms of her MS, though I didn't even know back then what was wrong with her, I just knew she wasn't like everyone else mom. When she got back to the car, she cried and was very upset. Her frustration, faintly, was taken out on Shae and I, but I knew she didn't mean to be harsh. I just told her that it was okay, and I'm sure those strangers understood she was different. No one had laughed.
...creating these homes and cities to play dolls with my sister. We would roll all across the carpet on our hands and knees, pushing our many cars we had for the dolls. We had like a hundred. My favorite was named Ethan, but his head popped off and tape wouldn't keep him together. It was a tragedy the day he was thrown away. I immediately got another one that resembled him.
...not being able to sleep on Christmas Eve. Mom and Dad hated it. I would later learn because I would keep getting up while they were at the kitchen table wrapping the presents. They said they were just Santa's helpers. I believed them.
...coming home with Shae and Mom. Mom pulled right up to the door--parked in the grass--which was odd. Before we got out of the car, Dad came barging out the front-screen door angry, talking about how he wanted to take Shae and me to Toys R Us. I can't remember the steps into the house, but Mom ended up underneath the arm of the green leather chair (that I would call an alligator), Dad's hands wrapped around her neck. Shae and I tugged at Dad's flannel button-up. Our poor strength didn't get him away. I don't know what got him away. It could have been Mom's tears and faint gargles. Mom ended up in the kitchen, sitting by the phone, and Dad stayed in the living room chair. Mom called Granny and told her what happened. The police were called. I went between Dad and Mom, crying. I didn't understand what was going on. Dad held me and my sister, talking to us. I didn't want to hear it. I went over to Mom and stayed. Dad went to jail that night. We all slept in Mom and Dad's bedroom. Mom gave Shae and I rags to dab our eyes. We both wouldn't stop crying. I didn't know when Dad would come back, if he would come back.
...Dad bought Sunshine for me as a late birthday gift. She was a black, with a bit of white down her chest, rottweiler and retriever. She was my first puppy and I loved her to pieces. I could only see her at Ms. Paula's house. My neighborhood wouldn't allow pets to be kept.
...Dad went ghost. Shae and I knew nothing about him for at least a year. I thought he could be dead.
...I was called ugly by Jermaine and he said that nobody wants me. I did nothing to him, but he shouted it out in Art class. I was laughed at. I hated him in the sixth grade.
...I stared between my orange plastic belt and my metal bunkbed. I had heard of kids making themselves pass out on purpose and for fun with some neck, strangulation technique--only, with two people. Some got too involved and ended up dying when they tried to do the same with a belt and ended up hanging themselves instead--only having themselves. I didn't want to pass out. I wanted to die in sixth grade.
...catching fireflies and trapping them in a Gerber jar. I loved seeing them light up my room at night. But they always died, even though I gave them grass to eat and poked holes in the top. I would just catch more.
...I walked into science class and Devin made fun of my hair. I don't like to repeat what he said. I had to sit in front of him the rest of the class period. I heard him continue to make fun of me with his friends. I did nothing to him in sixth grade.
...Shae was given a karaoke machine for Christmas. I would sing I Love Rock N Roll over and over, and record it. I was going to be a singer like Beyonce in Destiny's Child and Britney Spears.
...Ms. Jere Ann recorded Backstreet Boys, N'Sync and Britney Spears on a tape recorder for me. If that wasn't playing in Mom's car, then it was Michael Jackson, Toni Braxton or Kirk Franklin. Christmas time, though, it was only The Temptations and The Hansons, or New Kids On The Block--their Christmas tapes. Mom, Shae and I would jam out in that car.
...Raven made fun of my hair in the seventh grade because I had a clip-on ponytail. She would try to snatch it off. I told Mom. She got the school involved. Raven said she was only kidding. Never messed with me again.
...Shae and I went to this church with our babysitter. While standing outside, waiting to leave, two girls came up to us and started poking at our clothes and hair. I swatted their hands away, but it didn't stop them. Telling them to leave us alone didn't help either. I was never going back to that church again, and I wished hell on those two girls that I didn't know.
...Shae said that she was pregnant. I knew she was kidding until she pulled out an ultrasound picture with her name on it. She had lied to me for the longest and I had believed.
...after KJ broke up with me through text, it felt as if the air had been knocked out of my chest. I didn't sleep that night. Once the sun rose, I threw on some clothes and went running around the neighborhood for the first time ever. It was the first time I had been broken up with, and not me doing the breaking up. Leona Lewis and K. Michelle empowered me to stop moping around and get the hell over it. I didn't truly get over it until William's ass came along.
...Cat caught my attention at work. He was five years older, but there was something different about him. I saw no harm in giving him a try. I don't know what happened. We just fell off. Still a cool dude.
...I didn't notice my boobs were getting bigger. Taylor and Paige were discussing bra sizes in Arts & Humanities, and when I said I was a B, they knew I was wrong about my own size. I talked to Ariel about it, and found out that I should have been wearing C cups. I just didn't pay attention.
...buckling myself in every seatbelt in the back of the car so I could lay down and "be safe."
...Mom driving Lancia, Sharell, Shae and I to Tekia's birthday party. Sharell and I didn't put on our seatbelts, because we knew we didn't have a long distance to the hotel. Our mistake. One car turned in front of Mom, and she slowed, but the truck behind did the exact same and we collided. Mom had just got the car. It was the best, by far. The paramedics said they just knew that no one had survived the crash while pulling up. Everyone had seatbelt burns except Sharell and I. Sharell hit her face and bruised. I didn't have a scratch. No one died. Car totaled.
...scooting on a sled in Granny's house. The bottom got caught on a lamp wire. The lamp came crashing down on my arm. A burn mark is barely visible today, but still there.
...running though the house with a blanket over my head, chasing after Shae. I crashed into our bedroom wall while leaping on the bed. I busted my head open in two places. Mom was pissed and so was Dad. I was told to never do that again.
...Dad's 350Z catching on fire while he was pulling up in the backyard. I sobbed with the news, but he told me to cut it out, that he was perfectly fine. I couldn't help but think about losing him.
...throwing bacon under Mom and Dad's bed, especially if it was burnt. Dad would find out I didn't eat it when he went under the bed to get his weights. I got scolded multiple times for the same incident. I really didn't care.
...getting whooped by a belt, but not crying. When it was noticed by Dad, I started fake crying to get it over quicker.
...playing with Lyric and Tyler at Granny's house, on our playset that would seem to lift out of the ground easily. Many neighborhood kids came over to play. Some would do it without our permission. I liked scaring them by bursting out of the back-screen door. I didn't have to say anything; they would scatter like ants in fear. It was funny.
...state troopers and policemen surrounding my house. William had escaped jail. Since him and I had been dating off and on, I was number one suspect in his escape. I had just gotten out of school and had been laying down to rest before I went into work. They were consistent I had helped him and knew about it. I didn't know a damn thing, and I wasn't as stupid as they made me out to be. I was cussed at, my house searched and they did that reverse psychology shit on me to make me feel like I was crazy. I did feel like I was crazy. I began to question myself and wonder if I had really done anything to help William escape. I hated that shit. It built my hatred towards law enforcement. Only one policeman had been nice to me the entire time. I swore I would never forgive William for putting me through that shit. He was a complete idiot. I had never been more uncensored towards a person in my life; my words towards him became venom. Yet, I did forgive. Never forgot.
...Myles saying he loved me. I just said it back.
...being told Santa wasn't real by Ms. Paula, Dad's girlfriend at the time. Mom could have hurt her for ruining that image. I was confused for the longest. The Polar Express only made me want to believe even more, but I let it go. I started buying my own gifts.
...writing my first story on the B5 Forum. It was crap. But I couldn't stop afterwards. I started trying to figure out how to better my writing. I still have the copies and documents. To look back is embarrassing.
...sketching fashion. One of Mom's co-workers at Lourdes Hospital was on the verge of teaching me how to put the clothes on mannequins in drawings. I never got that far. The sketches are in a special folder to stay.
...running into a short pole on UK's campus, while touring with my high school, but thinking I had run into a short fat kid. I was laughed at by the ones who saw, but I laughed at myself. I really thought it was a fat kid.
...Ray always talking about me buying him something, and he wasn't cheap. It got annoying. Besides, I thought it was more fitting for the boyfriend to buy his girlfriend things.
...I placed a McDonald's hamburger in the microwave. It caught on fire because I left the wrapper on it. I learned my lesson.
...working on Habitat For Humanity homes. Soon, I would be working on my own families and I couldn't wait to leave Forest Hills to live in it. New scenery was needed after Mom and Dad divorced.
...being afraid of the dark. I made up shapes and figures, freaking myself out.
...having re-occurring death dreams and nightmares of zombies.
...being home alone and suffocating. I still don't know if it was a dream, but it had seemed real, like a tight embrace. Mom said it might have been Granny saying goodbye. I liked that thought better than a new haunted house.
...Dad saying Ms. Paula was having Shawn. Shae and I were going to have a half-brother.
...Devon having to duck his head to get in my house. He was like 6'7. Different.
...talking to too many guys at once that I would confuse what I had told to each one. That determined I could never be a player.
...Marcell bringing me cupcakes in bed. It was a sweet gesture.
...dancing on Malcolm, but accidentally hitting him in the head with my own head. My silly mistake, but it was definitely laughable. He reminded me of Chris Brown. Adorable.
...going to Washington D.C. with my Junior Literature and History class. I wanted to be back there once the week was up. The Holocaust Museum, some other Museum and the war monuments touched my heart. I vowed I would go back one day and visit it all again.
...being accepted into Columbia College Chicago and getting a $10,000 scholarship. It was heartbreaking turning them down when I figured I would still be in $80,000 worth of debt by the time I graduated.
...being touched by DJ in fourth grade. I kept telling him to stop during the middle of class and pulling away. The teacher got upset with me and later called me to her desk. I wanted to tell her that DJ had been prying his fingers between my legs and over my thighs, but I couldn't find the strength in me to tattle. I kept my mouth shut and felt bad about myself for a while.
...breaking up with Shawn after barely three days. I was pressured to have him as my first boyfriend. I really didn't want him. I didn't feel bad.
...going to University of Louisville and absolutely hating it. I left the first day of classes and headed back home. I'm Out Tonight by Pia played as mountains were beautifully seen in the far distance and the sun brightly shined. On that highway, at that moment, I knew I hadn't made a mistake by leaving.
...Mom falling in the kitchen. She was curled up in a ball, sobbing. I went to help her up and there was puddle of blood forming behind her head, dripping to the linoleum floor. She cried out as she touched the back of her head and felt. The blood freaked me out, but I couldn't worry about that weakness of mine. I told her that it was okay and that I could get her up, like many times before.
...Dad asking me for money. Francesca had kicked him out and he had nowhere else to go except a hotel in Arizona.
...going to some session involving parents getting a divorce. I hated it, but wasn't upset about the divorce like Shae was. It was for the best.
...Dad coming in the house drunk. He smelt funny, but I was too young to know. One of my Dad's sisters told me to come to her and leave Dad alone.
...Shae coming in my room crying. She laid in my bed until she couldn't bare the pain anymore. It was time for Shania to arrive. I slept through most of the process, but woke up right during the delivery. I didn't look and stayed far off to the side. Mom held Shae's hand like a trooper.
...deciding that Mom can only get the right care in a nursing home. It was the hardest decision of my life till this date.
...having a crush on Jamie at daycare. I still don't know if Jamie was a boy or a girl.
...pushing around Tasha in Pre-K. She didn't talk. One of the worst things I've ever done.
...not having any means of transportation. It was horrible. I made it my goal to get a car so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone in that way.
...Cameron and I on the living room couch. He had a baby on the way with some other girl. I knew we wouldn't last.
...my car swerving on the highway as I made my way to Bowling Green for ATP. I knew I was going to crash because my tires weren't gelling with the rain. I nearly did ram the side of a truck. I went 40mph on a 70mph road.
...Shae leaving for Georgetown. I was going to have to take care of Mom all on my own.
...Mom falling outside of the house. It was a hot day and the heat had gotten to her. I couldn't get her back to her feet. She told me to drag her in the house. No words could describe the pain and hurt I felt having to do that to my own mother. I watched her lay there, stomach to the carpet, as she sobbed. I sat with my back against my door frame, staring into space. God had surely fucked me up.
...writing my first "song" Don Juan in ninth grade. It was comedic.
...Marcell breaking up with me. I just listened and agreed to whatever he said. Fighting for him would have been like clawing for a pile of shit. He changed my entire demeanor. No more settling.
...driving across the bridge headed towards the mall. I thought about swerving off. Life seemed pointless.
...William and I arguing over Christmas Break. He stepped up to me. I immediately warned him to back up. My hands were nearly about to raise; it seemed like he was about to swing. He was testing me by not backing away, but getting in my face. Thank God Shae came home from work. All Mom could do was listen from her hospital-like bed. She didn't understand why we had only been butting heads since he had come to stay. I told her he's a manipulative, habitual liar and I wanted him out of the house. He left within three days.
...Mom talking about killing herself. I called Auntie. She told me to take Mom to the hospital.
...going to Holiday World for the first time. I had always thought Richard was cute. I didn't expect to spend most of that day with him and go on to actually talk to him for a minute. I still have the stuffed-dog he won me.
...pretending to be sick in elementary school, many times after lunch or during. They should have known I was faking.
...winning almost all of the races at Spring Sports Day in elementary school. I was really fast.
...playing soccer for two years. It was the best sport I had ever involved myself in, though I didn't know much about the actual techniques. I won the "Charlie Hustle" award for being the fastest.
...exploring the woods behind my house. I would only go so far and backtrack. It was like an entirely different world.
...being told not to do things, but doing them anyway. I was fearless and curious.
...being rolled into an operation room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and all these bright lights on me; many people in blue suits surrounded me. I don't recall much, but I was later rolled out and hadn't been more happier to see Mom and Dad again.
...my world crashing the day I found out William had been ordered to serve jail time. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day at school, but kept my head down on the desk and cry.
...being locked out of the house for over an hour. Snow was deep on the ground. Mom was on the ground inside the house. She couldn't reach up to unlock the door for me.
...Saud holding my hand and kissing the back of it as he drove. No other guy had done that.
...losing myself to please others.
...realizing my worth.
...going to Noble Park pool with my cousin Stephanie and the sleepovers.
...lying out of my ass when I didn't care, but the truth always caught up.
...Shae calling me booty-boo.
...Uncle Jumpy coming from North Carolina to take Shae and I on a no-limit shopping spree. Mom came along. I wondered what it would have been like if Mom and Uncle Jumpy had stayed together (Uncle Jumpy is not really Uncle).
...meeting Cory. He contacted me through Twitter, but we had personally met. I was in a Political Science class and that was his major. He offered to help me study. I accepted. He went on to cutely ask me to eat lunch with him sometime. I accepted. He asked me how'd my day go September 28, 13. I didn't answer back till September 30, 13, apologizing it had taken me a minute; I had isolated myself to study for tests. I received no reply. Nearly a month later, I found out that he was killed September 28 by a drunk driver. I still have the messages and keep them as a reminder how fast your life can be taken from you. It's something that stays vivid in my mind, my encounters with Cory.
...starting my blog. I was nervous because I knew people--some that know me--would have a new insight into my mind, my life, that I had never shown or indicated even existed in my life. I guess it's that fear of judgement, but I figured out that I'm judged no matter what, so might as well say what I feel.
...shopping on the Boardwalk in Shreveport with Shae. It was the Forth of July. We met some guys and saw Twilight New Moon with them. His name either began with a B or J or R, but he kissed me.
...seeing the streets and buildings I had put into my story, The Dirty, when I had went to Chicago to visit Columbia College Chicago. It had been like a dream.
...thinking robbers were in the house and fighting hands, but it turned out to be Mom trying to calm me in the bed next to her. I pulled one of her fingers out of socket, all by accident.
...twisting and spraining my knees and ankles like it was nothing.
...running head-on into Elizabeth at recess. Shae's grade was on the playground with mine; she saw the whole thing. I blacked out for a good minute. Shae took care of me.
...backing into a pole in Noble Park. I dented my license plate. Later, my shoulder would have pains that last till today.
...laying down for nap-time at daycare. I would cry. Ms. Bernadine would sometimes call Dad to come get me.
...laying upon the dryer while I sung to Sunshine laying below. I sung You Are My Sunshine over and over to her. I couldn't keep her at my house anymore and Dad wouldn't take her back. I had to give her back to the humane society.
...staying up late to play Sims and Sims 2. My wrists had bruises, I would sit at the computer so long.
...sitting in the jail lobby, waiting for visitation with William nearly every Sunday/Saturday. I didn't belong there and I knew I wasn't going to be one of those jail wives for the rest of my life. I wasn't about that life.
...coming home and hearing Ariel and Ngodoo on my voicemail. They were talking about me. It got recorded by accident. I never trusted friends so easily again.
...swinging on top of a hill at daycare. It was so high. I was afraid I would swing right off and fall into the passing traffic below.
...Grandad's house catching on fire for the third time--as far as I can recall. William rushed out to help in any way. The house was completely lost this time.
...being naked in Ngodoo's hottub.
...contorting myself to fit under the grocery cart as Mom and Granny shopped through the isles of Kroger.
...going straight to William's apartment and laying with him before I went to school. I never wanted to go to school with him in my life. Leaving his side didn't sit right.
...running off at the fair. I was going around on the carousel when I saw Mom and Dad getting policemen to search for me. I thought they were blind to not see me right behind them. When I went back to Mom and Dad--and Shae--Dad was extremely upset. He made us leave.
...Nick and Robbie coming over Ngodoo's house. Nick flipped off the trampoline and was hanging on by his foot. It was the funniest thing, and too cute. I had to make him mine.
...Dad bought me a parrot, Midnight, and a goldfish, Jesse. I had to keep them at Ms. Paula's. Shae got a hamster, Nick. Many more Nick's followed.
...the freaky attic in our Forest Hills house. I hated going up first. I just knew someone evil lurked up there.
...Max and Frankie down the street. I was dared to kiss Frankie. Having an actual crush on him, I freaked and only kissed him on the cheek.
...Tiffany's dad teaching me how to ride a bike without training wheels.
...hiding from Kirsten at Granny's house. I didn't always want to go out and play with her.
...Mark teaching me how to swim at the beach. I was afraid of a shark or snake getting me.
...getting baptized at Heartland Church only so I could get in the water.
...falling off a bunkbed while asleep. I never really felt the impact, but woke after. None of the other campers woke. I simply got myself and my covers up and climbed back on the bunkbed to go back to sleep.
...being told Ms. Reanne hung herself. I went numb. She had been my second mother.
...climbing the trees in the backyard. Dad and Mom hated I was such a risk taker. They were certain I would fall out and break something. They tried to scare me with talks of snakes being in the trees.
...losing my hold on the side of the pool and slipping underwater. Dad reached in and saved me from drowning. He also got upset at me.
I REMEMBER
...Barney sitting in the back of my toy chest. He spoke if you squeezed his hand. Dad caught me with Barney once. I got a long, awkward talk at the age of six.
...going to Mayfield to visit my grandmother on Dad's side of the family. I never really knew her. She used to scare me because she was brittle and I wasn't sure I was related to her. Her skin was nearly white and I swear her eyes were blue. No one else in my family really looked like her. When she died, at the funeral, I saw Dad cry for the first time. He wouldn't stop and he was a bit upset when I was frightened to kiss the top of her forehead as she laid in that casket.
....always being over Granny's house as a little girl. There wasn't a day we wouldn't see her, which she lived in the same neighborhood. The bus would pick my sister and I up in front of her house, along with other kids. Her house scared me, though. Her bed was high as hell; I would have to literally run and jump up to get on it, but it was comfy. Everything in her home was still so unusual to me. I don't know why.
...my sister and I watching Unsolved Mysteries and always being freaked out because of the ghost stories. We never quit watching it, though.
...watching Passions with my sister and Granny. It was something I cherished. I imagined I was Sheridan Crane. Luis and Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald were my crushes, but Timothy was ultimately my
favorite character. It was upsetting when he died in real life, as well as on the show. Passions remains my favorite Soap Opera and the only one I ever really watched and followed.
...being called in from playing outside with Tiffany. Mom, Dad and Shae were in the living room. Everyone was sitting in chairs except Dad. He was almost on his knees, squatting there on the wine carpet that felt weird. I was told that Granny died while in Louisiana with Auntie and Uncle Joe. It was Mom's mother, but Dad was nearly sobbing on that ground. He pulled me into him, but I didn't shed a tear. I was asked if I was okay, and I simply walked back outside to play with Tiffany some more. She asked me what was wrong when I jumped on the trunk of Mom's white car. I told her, "My Granny died," and left it at that.
...Granny's leg turning black. She had been given ointment to put on it, and my sister and I would have to do it. It was gross. I had to get gloves nearly every time, but one time, there was none, so I had to use my hand. Her skin had been rough, and it was like dead skin. Later, that leg got amputated. I didn't know what to think about Granny having a stump leg, but she was still my Granny. When I was able to, I got on that bus that came and got her because of her hindrance and went to appointments with her. I loved her to death.
...Granny being flown back to Paducah in a plane. I kept my eye out for the planes in the sky, always wondering if her body was packed away in a casket in one of them. Now, not only was she missing one leg, but she had none. If the doctors in Shreveport had left her last leg alone, she wouldn't have had a heart attack and died twice before finally not being able to be brought back to life. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I was mad at a God that I barely knew about.
...going to Ninth Street Church. It was full of black people always dressed fancy and smelling strong. I got tight hugs from strangers. When service began, I kicked my dainty dress-shoes off, swung my legs onto the pews and laid down to sleep in Mother's lap. It didn't make her too happy, but she didn't complain much.
...playing a variety of games with my sister. It began with Nintendo and the Super Mario games and some game that involved shooting ducks. Next, came Playstation, which is when it became an addiction to my sister and I. We played a variety of games: Clocktower, Driver, Need For Speed, multiple WWE/WWF games (they were the best), Mary-Kate & Ashley games, Fighting Force, Rugrats games and so on. Last came Playstation 2. We were kind of burned out by then, but Midnight Club and WWE/WWF games became main focus. Mom and Dad used to have the hardest time getting us to bed.
...JoJo was my first CD bought. I lent it to a girl named Vashti and never got it back. Hence, I never gave my CDs to anyone again.
...being on the road towards Mayfield to go to Lakewood Gymnastics. I started in third grade, after being told about it through Courtney, and loved it. It was not such a big deal. I had always flipped around when I was a kid, so I was used to it. I was always told I had a mean toe touch, cause I literally touched my toes, and my rebound after a roundoff already had trainers prepared to get me ready for a roundoff back tuck. I only got so far as to do a roundoff backflip by myself, but quit not long after the achievement. I became frustrated with myself at times of failure and gave up. Sixth grade approached and I moved to cheerleading at Paducah Middle School. It was not the same as competitive cheerleading. I hated it, but continued through eight grade. I was mad at myself for leaving Lakewood.
...being on the floor for the first time at a cheerleading competition. I was dead center because I was one of the oldest and tallest. Talk about an adrenaline rush. It was over before I knew it.
...having the biggest crush on Blake in elementary school. He never noticed me like I wished, not until high school. Then, it was bullshit on his half. He had a girlfriend; Facebook told on him, like I wouldn't notice. I felt bad for his girlfriend, but then noticed he was flirty with many girls and it wasn't my problem. I stopped texting him.
...being downtown with William. At the time, I called him Rico. He had many names. Red flag number fifty. But that was still the best date till this day: eating at, I believe, Mother Teresea's, walking downtown at night and just talking and watching the river. First time being kissed in the rain. I thought I was dreaming because it was too perfect. He was too perfect. It really was too perfect to be true. He was a fraud at the very beginning. My damned mistake for having him hooked to my life for two years and counting. He won't stop calling my damn phone. I don't answer.
...Mom falling in CVS near the drug counter. She lost her balance and the cane didn't stop her from crashing to the carpet in front of everyone. She was extremely embarrassed. It was the first time I had seen symptoms of her MS, though I didn't even know back then what was wrong with her, I just knew she wasn't like everyone else mom. When she got back to the car, she cried and was very upset. Her frustration, faintly, was taken out on Shae and I, but I knew she didn't mean to be harsh. I just told her that it was okay, and I'm sure those strangers understood she was different. No one had laughed.
...creating these homes and cities to play dolls with my sister. We would roll all across the carpet on our hands and knees, pushing our many cars we had for the dolls. We had like a hundred. My favorite was named Ethan, but his head popped off and tape wouldn't keep him together. It was a tragedy the day he was thrown away. I immediately got another one that resembled him.
...not being able to sleep on Christmas Eve. Mom and Dad hated it. I would later learn because I would keep getting up while they were at the kitchen table wrapping the presents. They said they were just Santa's helpers. I believed them.
...coming home with Shae and Mom. Mom pulled right up to the door--parked in the grass--which was odd. Before we got out of the car, Dad came barging out the front-screen door angry, talking about how he wanted to take Shae and me to Toys R Us. I can't remember the steps into the house, but Mom ended up underneath the arm of the green leather chair (that I would call an alligator), Dad's hands wrapped around her neck. Shae and I tugged at Dad's flannel button-up. Our poor strength didn't get him away. I don't know what got him away. It could have been Mom's tears and faint gargles. Mom ended up in the kitchen, sitting by the phone, and Dad stayed in the living room chair. Mom called Granny and told her what happened. The police were called. I went between Dad and Mom, crying. I didn't understand what was going on. Dad held me and my sister, talking to us. I didn't want to hear it. I went over to Mom and stayed. Dad went to jail that night. We all slept in Mom and Dad's bedroom. Mom gave Shae and I rags to dab our eyes. We both wouldn't stop crying. I didn't know when Dad would come back, if he would come back.
...Dad bought Sunshine for me as a late birthday gift. She was a black, with a bit of white down her chest, rottweiler and retriever. She was my first puppy and I loved her to pieces. I could only see her at Ms. Paula's house. My neighborhood wouldn't allow pets to be kept.
...Dad went ghost. Shae and I knew nothing about him for at least a year. I thought he could be dead.
...I was called ugly by Jermaine and he said that nobody wants me. I did nothing to him, but he shouted it out in Art class. I was laughed at. I hated him in the sixth grade.
...I stared between my orange plastic belt and my metal bunkbed. I had heard of kids making themselves pass out on purpose and for fun with some neck, strangulation technique--only, with two people. Some got too involved and ended up dying when they tried to do the same with a belt and ended up hanging themselves instead--only having themselves. I didn't want to pass out. I wanted to die in sixth grade.
...catching fireflies and trapping them in a Gerber jar. I loved seeing them light up my room at night. But they always died, even though I gave them grass to eat and poked holes in the top. I would just catch more.
...I walked into science class and Devin made fun of my hair. I don't like to repeat what he said. I had to sit in front of him the rest of the class period. I heard him continue to make fun of me with his friends. I did nothing to him in sixth grade.
...Shae was given a karaoke machine for Christmas. I would sing I Love Rock N Roll over and over, and record it. I was going to be a singer like Beyonce in Destiny's Child and Britney Spears.
...Ms. Jere Ann recorded Backstreet Boys, N'Sync and Britney Spears on a tape recorder for me. If that wasn't playing in Mom's car, then it was Michael Jackson, Toni Braxton or Kirk Franklin. Christmas time, though, it was only The Temptations and The Hansons, or New Kids On The Block--their Christmas tapes. Mom, Shae and I would jam out in that car.
...Raven made fun of my hair in the seventh grade because I had a clip-on ponytail. She would try to snatch it off. I told Mom. She got the school involved. Raven said she was only kidding. Never messed with me again.
...Shae and I went to this church with our babysitter. While standing outside, waiting to leave, two girls came up to us and started poking at our clothes and hair. I swatted their hands away, but it didn't stop them. Telling them to leave us alone didn't help either. I was never going back to that church again, and I wished hell on those two girls that I didn't know.
...Shae said that she was pregnant. I knew she was kidding until she pulled out an ultrasound picture with her name on it. She had lied to me for the longest and I had believed.
...after KJ broke up with me through text, it felt as if the air had been knocked out of my chest. I didn't sleep that night. Once the sun rose, I threw on some clothes and went running around the neighborhood for the first time ever. It was the first time I had been broken up with, and not me doing the breaking up. Leona Lewis and K. Michelle empowered me to stop moping around and get the hell over it. I didn't truly get over it until William's ass came along.
...Cat caught my attention at work. He was five years older, but there was something different about him. I saw no harm in giving him a try. I don't know what happened. We just fell off. Still a cool dude.
...I didn't notice my boobs were getting bigger. Taylor and Paige were discussing bra sizes in Arts & Humanities, and when I said I was a B, they knew I was wrong about my own size. I talked to Ariel about it, and found out that I should have been wearing C cups. I just didn't pay attention.
...buckling myself in every seatbelt in the back of the car so I could lay down and "be safe."
...Mom driving Lancia, Sharell, Shae and I to Tekia's birthday party. Sharell and I didn't put on our seatbelts, because we knew we didn't have a long distance to the hotel. Our mistake. One car turned in front of Mom, and she slowed, but the truck behind did the exact same and we collided. Mom had just got the car. It was the best, by far. The paramedics said they just knew that no one had survived the crash while pulling up. Everyone had seatbelt burns except Sharell and I. Sharell hit her face and bruised. I didn't have a scratch. No one died. Car totaled.
...scooting on a sled in Granny's house. The bottom got caught on a lamp wire. The lamp came crashing down on my arm. A burn mark is barely visible today, but still there.
...running though the house with a blanket over my head, chasing after Shae. I crashed into our bedroom wall while leaping on the bed. I busted my head open in two places. Mom was pissed and so was Dad. I was told to never do that again.
...Dad's 350Z catching on fire while he was pulling up in the backyard. I sobbed with the news, but he told me to cut it out, that he was perfectly fine. I couldn't help but think about losing him.
...throwing bacon under Mom and Dad's bed, especially if it was burnt. Dad would find out I didn't eat it when he went under the bed to get his weights. I got scolded multiple times for the same incident. I really didn't care.
...getting whooped by a belt, but not crying. When it was noticed by Dad, I started fake crying to get it over quicker.
...playing with Lyric and Tyler at Granny's house, on our playset that would seem to lift out of the ground easily. Many neighborhood kids came over to play. Some would do it without our permission. I liked scaring them by bursting out of the back-screen door. I didn't have to say anything; they would scatter like ants in fear. It was funny.
...state troopers and policemen surrounding my house. William had escaped jail. Since him and I had been dating off and on, I was number one suspect in his escape. I had just gotten out of school and had been laying down to rest before I went into work. They were consistent I had helped him and knew about it. I didn't know a damn thing, and I wasn't as stupid as they made me out to be. I was cussed at, my house searched and they did that reverse psychology shit on me to make me feel like I was crazy. I did feel like I was crazy. I began to question myself and wonder if I had really done anything to help William escape. I hated that shit. It built my hatred towards law enforcement. Only one policeman had been nice to me the entire time. I swore I would never forgive William for putting me through that shit. He was a complete idiot. I had never been more uncensored towards a person in my life; my words towards him became venom. Yet, I did forgive. Never forgot.
...Myles saying he loved me. I just said it back.
...being told Santa wasn't real by Ms. Paula, Dad's girlfriend at the time. Mom could have hurt her for ruining that image. I was confused for the longest. The Polar Express only made me want to believe even more, but I let it go. I started buying my own gifts.
...writing my first story on the B5 Forum. It was crap. But I couldn't stop afterwards. I started trying to figure out how to better my writing. I still have the copies and documents. To look back is embarrassing.
...sketching fashion. One of Mom's co-workers at Lourdes Hospital was on the verge of teaching me how to put the clothes on mannequins in drawings. I never got that far. The sketches are in a special folder to stay.
...running into a short pole on UK's campus, while touring with my high school, but thinking I had run into a short fat kid. I was laughed at by the ones who saw, but I laughed at myself. I really thought it was a fat kid.
...Ray always talking about me buying him something, and he wasn't cheap. It got annoying. Besides, I thought it was more fitting for the boyfriend to buy his girlfriend things.
...I placed a McDonald's hamburger in the microwave. It caught on fire because I left the wrapper on it. I learned my lesson.
...working on Habitat For Humanity homes. Soon, I would be working on my own families and I couldn't wait to leave Forest Hills to live in it. New scenery was needed after Mom and Dad divorced.
...being afraid of the dark. I made up shapes and figures, freaking myself out.
...having re-occurring death dreams and nightmares of zombies.
...being home alone and suffocating. I still don't know if it was a dream, but it had seemed real, like a tight embrace. Mom said it might have been Granny saying goodbye. I liked that thought better than a new haunted house.
...Dad saying Ms. Paula was having Shawn. Shae and I were going to have a half-brother.
...Devon having to duck his head to get in my house. He was like 6'7. Different.
...talking to too many guys at once that I would confuse what I had told to each one. That determined I could never be a player.
...Marcell bringing me cupcakes in bed. It was a sweet gesture.
...dancing on Malcolm, but accidentally hitting him in the head with my own head. My silly mistake, but it was definitely laughable. He reminded me of Chris Brown. Adorable.
...going to Washington D.C. with my Junior Literature and History class. I wanted to be back there once the week was up. The Holocaust Museum, some other Museum and the war monuments touched my heart. I vowed I would go back one day and visit it all again.
...being accepted into Columbia College Chicago and getting a $10,000 scholarship. It was heartbreaking turning them down when I figured I would still be in $80,000 worth of debt by the time I graduated.
...being touched by DJ in fourth grade. I kept telling him to stop during the middle of class and pulling away. The teacher got upset with me and later called me to her desk. I wanted to tell her that DJ had been prying his fingers between my legs and over my thighs, but I couldn't find the strength in me to tattle. I kept my mouth shut and felt bad about myself for a while.
...breaking up with Shawn after barely three days. I was pressured to have him as my first boyfriend. I really didn't want him. I didn't feel bad.
...going to University of Louisville and absolutely hating it. I left the first day of classes and headed back home. I'm Out Tonight by Pia played as mountains were beautifully seen in the far distance and the sun brightly shined. On that highway, at that moment, I knew I hadn't made a mistake by leaving.
...Mom falling in the kitchen. She was curled up in a ball, sobbing. I went to help her up and there was puddle of blood forming behind her head, dripping to the linoleum floor. She cried out as she touched the back of her head and felt. The blood freaked me out, but I couldn't worry about that weakness of mine. I told her that it was okay and that I could get her up, like many times before.
...Dad asking me for money. Francesca had kicked him out and he had nowhere else to go except a hotel in Arizona.
...going to some session involving parents getting a divorce. I hated it, but wasn't upset about the divorce like Shae was. It was for the best.
...Dad coming in the house drunk. He smelt funny, but I was too young to know. One of my Dad's sisters told me to come to her and leave Dad alone.
...Shae coming in my room crying. She laid in my bed until she couldn't bare the pain anymore. It was time for Shania to arrive. I slept through most of the process, but woke up right during the delivery. I didn't look and stayed far off to the side. Mom held Shae's hand like a trooper.
...deciding that Mom can only get the right care in a nursing home. It was the hardest decision of my life till this date.
...having a crush on Jamie at daycare. I still don't know if Jamie was a boy or a girl.
...pushing around Tasha in Pre-K. She didn't talk. One of the worst things I've ever done.
...not having any means of transportation. It was horrible. I made it my goal to get a car so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone in that way.
...Cameron and I on the living room couch. He had a baby on the way with some other girl. I knew we wouldn't last.
...my car swerving on the highway as I made my way to Bowling Green for ATP. I knew I was going to crash because my tires weren't gelling with the rain. I nearly did ram the side of a truck. I went 40mph on a 70mph road.
...Shae leaving for Georgetown. I was going to have to take care of Mom all on my own.
...Mom falling outside of the house. It was a hot day and the heat had gotten to her. I couldn't get her back to her feet. She told me to drag her in the house. No words could describe the pain and hurt I felt having to do that to my own mother. I watched her lay there, stomach to the carpet, as she sobbed. I sat with my back against my door frame, staring into space. God had surely fucked me up.
...writing my first "song" Don Juan in ninth grade. It was comedic.
...Marcell breaking up with me. I just listened and agreed to whatever he said. Fighting for him would have been like clawing for a pile of shit. He changed my entire demeanor. No more settling.
...driving across the bridge headed towards the mall. I thought about swerving off. Life seemed pointless.
...William and I arguing over Christmas Break. He stepped up to me. I immediately warned him to back up. My hands were nearly about to raise; it seemed like he was about to swing. He was testing me by not backing away, but getting in my face. Thank God Shae came home from work. All Mom could do was listen from her hospital-like bed. She didn't understand why we had only been butting heads since he had come to stay. I told her he's a manipulative, habitual liar and I wanted him out of the house. He left within three days.
...Mom talking about killing herself. I called Auntie. She told me to take Mom to the hospital.
...going to Holiday World for the first time. I had always thought Richard was cute. I didn't expect to spend most of that day with him and go on to actually talk to him for a minute. I still have the stuffed-dog he won me.
...pretending to be sick in elementary school, many times after lunch or during. They should have known I was faking.
...winning almost all of the races at Spring Sports Day in elementary school. I was really fast.
...playing soccer for two years. It was the best sport I had ever involved myself in, though I didn't know much about the actual techniques. I won the "Charlie Hustle" award for being the fastest.
...exploring the woods behind my house. I would only go so far and backtrack. It was like an entirely different world.
...being told not to do things, but doing them anyway. I was fearless and curious.
...being rolled into an operation room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and all these bright lights on me; many people in blue suits surrounded me. I don't recall much, but I was later rolled out and hadn't been more happier to see Mom and Dad again.
...my world crashing the day I found out William had been ordered to serve jail time. I didn't do anything for the rest of the day at school, but kept my head down on the desk and cry.
...being locked out of the house for over an hour. Snow was deep on the ground. Mom was on the ground inside the house. She couldn't reach up to unlock the door for me.
...Saud holding my hand and kissing the back of it as he drove. No other guy had done that.
...losing myself to please others.
...realizing my worth.
...going to Noble Park pool with my cousin Stephanie and the sleepovers.
...lying out of my ass when I didn't care, but the truth always caught up.
...Shae calling me booty-boo.
...Uncle Jumpy coming from North Carolina to take Shae and I on a no-limit shopping spree. Mom came along. I wondered what it would have been like if Mom and Uncle Jumpy had stayed together (Uncle Jumpy is not really Uncle).
...meeting Cory. He contacted me through Twitter, but we had personally met. I was in a Political Science class and that was his major. He offered to help me study. I accepted. He went on to cutely ask me to eat lunch with him sometime. I accepted. He asked me how'd my day go September 28, 13. I didn't answer back till September 30, 13, apologizing it had taken me a minute; I had isolated myself to study for tests. I received no reply. Nearly a month later, I found out that he was killed September 28 by a drunk driver. I still have the messages and keep them as a reminder how fast your life can be taken from you. It's something that stays vivid in my mind, my encounters with Cory.
...starting my blog. I was nervous because I knew people--some that know me--would have a new insight into my mind, my life, that I had never shown or indicated even existed in my life. I guess it's that fear of judgement, but I figured out that I'm judged no matter what, so might as well say what I feel.
...shopping on the Boardwalk in Shreveport with Shae. It was the Forth of July. We met some guys and saw Twilight New Moon with them. His name either began with a B or J or R, but he kissed me.
...seeing the streets and buildings I had put into my story, The Dirty, when I had went to Chicago to visit Columbia College Chicago. It had been like a dream.
...thinking robbers were in the house and fighting hands, but it turned out to be Mom trying to calm me in the bed next to her. I pulled one of her fingers out of socket, all by accident.
...twisting and spraining my knees and ankles like it was nothing.
...running head-on into Elizabeth at recess. Shae's grade was on the playground with mine; she saw the whole thing. I blacked out for a good minute. Shae took care of me.
...backing into a pole in Noble Park. I dented my license plate. Later, my shoulder would have pains that last till today.
...laying down for nap-time at daycare. I would cry. Ms. Bernadine would sometimes call Dad to come get me.
...laying upon the dryer while I sung to Sunshine laying below. I sung You Are My Sunshine over and over to her. I couldn't keep her at my house anymore and Dad wouldn't take her back. I had to give her back to the humane society.
...staying up late to play Sims and Sims 2. My wrists had bruises, I would sit at the computer so long.
...sitting in the jail lobby, waiting for visitation with William nearly every Sunday/Saturday. I didn't belong there and I knew I wasn't going to be one of those jail wives for the rest of my life. I wasn't about that life.
...coming home and hearing Ariel and Ngodoo on my voicemail. They were talking about me. It got recorded by accident. I never trusted friends so easily again.
...swinging on top of a hill at daycare. It was so high. I was afraid I would swing right off and fall into the passing traffic below.
...Grandad's house catching on fire for the third time--as far as I can recall. William rushed out to help in any way. The house was completely lost this time.
...being naked in Ngodoo's hottub.
...contorting myself to fit under the grocery cart as Mom and Granny shopped through the isles of Kroger.
...going straight to William's apartment and laying with him before I went to school. I never wanted to go to school with him in my life. Leaving his side didn't sit right.
...running off at the fair. I was going around on the carousel when I saw Mom and Dad getting policemen to search for me. I thought they were blind to not see me right behind them. When I went back to Mom and Dad--and Shae--Dad was extremely upset. He made us leave.
...Nick and Robbie coming over Ngodoo's house. Nick flipped off the trampoline and was hanging on by his foot. It was the funniest thing, and too cute. I had to make him mine.
...Dad bought me a parrot, Midnight, and a goldfish, Jesse. I had to keep them at Ms. Paula's. Shae got a hamster, Nick. Many more Nick's followed.
...the freaky attic in our Forest Hills house. I hated going up first. I just knew someone evil lurked up there.
...Max and Frankie down the street. I was dared to kiss Frankie. Having an actual crush on him, I freaked and only kissed him on the cheek.
...Tiffany's dad teaching me how to ride a bike without training wheels.
...hiding from Kirsten at Granny's house. I didn't always want to go out and play with her.
...Mark teaching me how to swim at the beach. I was afraid of a shark or snake getting me.
...getting baptized at Heartland Church only so I could get in the water.
...falling off a bunkbed while asleep. I never really felt the impact, but woke after. None of the other campers woke. I simply got myself and my covers up and climbed back on the bunkbed to go back to sleep.
...being told Ms. Reanne hung herself. I went numb. She had been my second mother.
...climbing the trees in the backyard. Dad and Mom hated I was such a risk taker. They were certain I would fall out and break something. They tried to scare me with talks of snakes being in the trees.
...losing my hold on the side of the pool and slipping underwater. Dad reached in and saved me from drowning. He also got upset at me.
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